Cold Slither: The Nostalgia Trip That Actually Delivers Crushing Metal

The metal world is about to be taken over by one of the most nefarious organizations in the world, Cobra – more specifically, Zartan and the Dreadnoks. If this opening line instantly transports you back to your childhood with visions of playing war in your backyard with those small plastic figures, then this album is for you. Cold Slither’s debut album is dropping on July 25 via Reigning Phoenix Records.

Before we get into some of the tracks I thoroughly enjoyed on this album I feel the need to point out that this isn’t just some gimmick album. While countless bands have failed at concept albums, Gus Rios has created something that works on every level – this album was produced by people that not only love heavy metal, but have a passion for all things G.I. Joe and would do nothing to tarnish the great history of this beloved toy.

Gus Rios has produced a crushing dedication to not only Cobra and the Dreadnoks but to heavy metal with this album. Every riff, lyric, beat and theme was researched, thought out and has produced an album that rivals some of the top heavy metal being released today – with the added benefit of being highly nostalgic for many of us. The guitar work here rivals anything coming out of the NWOTHM scene.

Many of you will be familiar with Gus Rios, aka Zartan on this project, through his work with other projects like Gruesome or Meat Flag, but you won’t find any gutturals or death metal inspired tracks here, being that the album was inspired by a children’s cartoon from the 80s, as dark and violent as some of the episodes were back then, the label, Hasbro, and Gus all decided that this needed to have a more clean Heavy Metal feel and sound to it. I’ll be honest, the style perfectly suits the subject matter.

The production quality is of the highest caliber with clarity on all of the instruments, no muddiness or unbalanced mixing here. From the cuts taken from the cartoon that introduce many of the tracks to the backing vocals, everything is at a perfect level. While we’re on the subject of the production quality the tones used on the guitars have just the right distortion, there’s no flashy effects – just straight up metal.

What comes now is nothing short of a creative musical masterpiece that combines a head-banging worthy heavy metal album with decades of nostalgia. We’re taken on a journey through origins, stories about the lives of the Dreadnoks, a song about a 4.2 ton strike vehicle and then close out with a song about a cute alien species that turn into killing machines. For the Joe fans you’ll recognize so many of the themes on this album, it’s such a trip down memory lane. For those of you that are just metal fans you’ll find a collection of well written, well produced songs. Even if you’ve never heard of G.I. Joe, these songs stand as exceptional heavy metal in their own right.

Setting the stage the opening track is our supreme ruler of all things serpent-related and world domination, Cobra Commander, and his message to Zartan. He informs us that he has taken over a record label and it’s time to bring the Dreadnok band Cold Slither back to life – something many of us have been waiting nearly 40 years for, whether we knew it or not!

The second track is a throwback to the origin story of Cold Slither who first appeared in an episode of the first season of G.I. Joe back in December of 1985. The premise behind the episode was Cobra wanting a band that could play while a hidden message was being streamed to turn the public into mindless drones that would do Cobra’s bidding. What better way to get this done than a heavy metal band and who better to play the role of a heavy metal band than Zartan and the Dreadnoks? This track is pure worship to the original song that was written and played on the episode, but pushes it to the next level in product quality and we finally get to hear the entire song. Not only is this a ripper of an opening track for nostalgic reasons, it’s an opening track that provides you with a clear image of how the next 34 minutes of your life are going to be torn up by blazing riffs, heavy drums and some of the best clean vocals I’ve enjoyed in a long time.

Thunder Machine, the track that references the 4.2-ton Dreadnok vehicle, it’s basically a tank. How do you even come up with a song about a vehicle that looks like a Trans Am that’s been converted into a tank with a jet engine strapped to its ass!? I don’t know either, but Gus has done it. This track will blow your mind from the first blast of the floor toms to the shredding bass riff.

Next up in this brutal nod to my childhood is a track that hits the mark on so many levels, Master Of Disguise. Zartan was one of my favourite characters as a kid. I don’t know if it was that he was able to make himself someone else, something I often wanted to have the ability to do, or just that you could put him out in the sun and he’d change colour. This track gives us a glimpse into who Zartan is; “The one you thought you knew is the one who lies.” – I mean, what a line! The track, like all of the tracks on this album, has a unique riff arrangement, one of my favourite solo sections and some of the best quotes from the 1985 cartoon, but I could be a little biased on that one due to my love of the character.

The last track that stood out for me, one I could have handled a little better in my chat with Gus when I clumsily mentioned how much I dislike slow songs during our interview… The Ballad Of Buzzer. I think every great Metal album should include a ballad – why should Cold Slither be any different. Digging into the past of Buzzer, a former Cambridge Don, who spent some time researching biker gangs of Australia, ending in his left-wing views releasing a beast that is fully accepted by Zartan and the Dreadnoks. Who knew the characters that dominated my childhood war games – complete with sound effects and dramatic battle sequences played out in the backyard – had such amazing backstories!

One of the greatest things about this album is that it’s not just an album for fanboying G.I. Joe fans, at its core it’s an amazing Heavy Metal album. You have a set of songs that you don’t need to know who Zartan, Cobra Commander or the Dreadnoks are to enjoy. Gus has done an amazing job of not only writing songs that delve into the origins and roles of the characters from Cobra but also in selecting stories that needed to be written.

Don’t sleep on this one. If you’re a fan of G.I. Joe and Cobra, you’re going to love it. If you’re a fan of well written heavy metal, you’re going to love it. If you’re a fan of both – then this, my friend, is the gold standard for how to adapt beloved properties into metal. It’s better than a crate of Fluffies.